Archive for December, 2010

December 8, 2010

“Christmas Shoes”- Distilled by Kick Ass Thomas

The Christmas Shoes is a vomit inducing heart warming tale of a young boy whose mother is dying, a lawyer whois emotionally distant from his family, and the all-powerful deity that will fix the later problem, but not the former. It’s available on Amazon.com (as is the song the movie is based on), though I strongly recommending saving your money for liquor, instead.

– Snowhole Cemetery –

Robert Layton: Hi mom! I have you your annual Christmas wreath! And I brought Jesus with me! Thomas: Whoo boy, this is gonna be a long one.

– Five Years Ago –

Lily Layton: Good morning dad! Can you please please please please please come to my concert tonight? And bring me flowers? Robert Layton: Sure babe! (no.) Kate Layton: Morning honey! Want some breakfast? Robert Layton: No time, sweetie! I’ve got papers to file, rednecks to insult, and a teenage daughter’s dreams to crush! Also: I think you should go back to work so we can afford a bigger house. Tootles!

– The Smallest Intersection in America –

Robert Layton: Excuse me, sir? The most horrible shoes ever seen by god or man fell out of the back of your van! Are you sure you don’t want to stop and collect them? No? All right then, I suppose I’ll keep them in my car until they become important to the plot.

– The Andrews House of Heartstrings –

Nathan Andrews: Throw the ball to me! Throw the ball to me! I’m open! I’m open! Maggie Andrews: Of course you’re open, you’re the only person playing! Super mother throwing the football into the lawyer’s windshield powers activate! Robert Layton: Hey, you wanna watch where you’re throwing that thing? Maggie Andrews: Sorry, cancer! Nathan Andrews: Wait, what?

– The Andrews House – Breakfast at Tiffany’s –

Nathan Andrews: Daddy daddy, can I have a puppy? Jack Andrews: Sorry kid, I’m an asshole. Also, I don’t want to be the only one taking care of it when your mother dies of cancer. Nathan Andrews: Wait, what?

– School of Hard Knocks –

Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: Hey kids, did you know that magic angel shoes can cure cancer? Maggie AndrewsWeep! Nathan Andrews: Seriously, what is with all the cancer?

– McGraw & Hurst – Ambulance Chasers Inc –

Mr. McGraw and/or Hurst: Hi Robert! There’s a big deposition tomorrow, I’m going to need you to bone up on the case law. It should only take… roughly as long as your daughter’s concert!

– The School – It’s Like Glee, Except Not Fun –

Lily Layton: Hi Mrs. Andrews! I don’t feel good, and I think I need to skip the concert tonight! Nathan Andrews: Oh, you just have butterflies, Lily! I get them too! And you know what else I get? Cancer!

– The Concert – It’s Like American Idol, Except No One Cares –

Maggie Andrews: Hi everybody! I’ve got great news! Because your kids are so talented, the mayor has chosen them to sing at the this year’s Christmas Tree Lighting! Some Guy in the Crowd: Um, how many other schools were in the running? Maggie Andrews: None! Lily Layton: Hi! I’m going to sing Fourth of July songs at the Christmas concert!

– The Layton House of Marital Woe –

Robert Layton: Hi mom! I need to talk to you because of work, not because I love you! Grandma Layton: Honey, make memories, not money! It’s not the days in our lives, but the life in our days! Various and sundry other platitudes! Kate Layton: Thanks for coming to your daughter’s concert, dickbag! Lily Layton: Daddy, you should have seen it! Everybody clapped for me when I was on stage! That hunger for attention and love will one day lead me into the adult film industry!

– The Andrews House –

Dr. Mather: Hi Maggie! You have cancer congestive heart failure! Nicholas Sparks: Excuse me, but I believe I have the trademark on heart-rending terminal illness. Nathan AndrewsWHAT?!?

– The Layton House of Repetitive Repetition –

Robert Layton: Hey, did we establish that I work too hard and an too materialistic yet? Kate Layton: I’m concerned that people might not know that I value my family more than wealth or social status! Lily Layton: We should probably remind the audience that I feel lonely and rejected!

– School of Creative Theology –

Maggie Andrews: Blah blah blah, I’m gonna die, but don’t worry, either I’ll miraculously live at the end, and god will get the credit, or I’ll die, but my death will remind Robert Layton that life is short and family is important, and god will get the credit! Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: That’s great! Say, when you’re in the hospital, why don’t you send Nathan to stay with me? Maggie Andrews: Wait, an older, single man wants my prepubescent boy to come and sleep at his house while his parents are in a different state? Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: Yep! Maggie Andrews: Okay!

– This One Time, at Band Practice –

Maggie Andrews: Hey everyone! It’s time for rehearsal my heart attack! Kate Layton: Maggie! What can I do to help? Maggie Andrews: Take over the Christmas concert? Kate Layton: Hey look at the time, got to go!

– The Layton House of Haven’t We Covered This Already –

Robert Layton: Hi Kate! I’m mad that you skipped your interview at Umbrella Corp! Kate Layton: Hey Robert! I’m mad that you’re a soulless bastard with no concern for others! Robert Layton: Well I’m mad that I have a crappy job that doesn’t pay enough to live in a big mansion on top of a big hill! Kate Layton: Well I’m… mad about that too, actually. But still!

– The Andrews House of That’s Not Funny –

Nathan Andrews: Mom? Is your heart still beating? Maggie Andrews: … Nathan Andrews: Mom? Mom! Mom mom mom mom mom! Maggie Andrews: Ha! Kidding. Totally kidding.

– Wilson’s General Store –

Robert Layton: Hi Mr. Wilson! These shoes fell off of your delivery truck! Mr. Wilson: Why thank- holy crap! These things are hideous! Robert Layton: I know, right? Can you believe they’re centering the story around them? Robert Layton’s CarDies. Mr. Wilson: Hey I know just the guy to fix you vehicle! Robert Layton: Great! Mr. Wilson: His wife has cancer!

– Layton Automotive –

Robert Layton: Hi! I’m very particular about my car! Jack Andrews: Hi! My wife’s cancer beeper just went off! Robert Layton: That’s great, but… what about my car?

– The School – The Teachers Sure Are Friendly –

Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: Hey buddy! Well, your parents are off to Boston. Want some candy? It’s in my pocket!

– Still at School –

Kate Layton: So! Mrs. Andrews has cancer! But let’s do this Christmas thing anyway!

– Boston – Where the Doctors Are –

Dr. Julian: Good news! A teenage boy was in a car accident, and you’ve got a new heart! Maggie Andrews: Oh, his poor mother! Dr. Julian: If you’re having second thoughts, we could give the heart to someone else… Maggie Andrews: Let’s not get crazy here.

– The Andrews House of Foreshadowing –

Grandma Layton: Hi Nathan! Did you know my son Robert liked baseball, just like you? And that he liked the red socks, just like you! Why, it’s almost like you two are destined to share some kind of connection!

– Boston – Where the Doctors Are –

Dr. Julian: So… about that heart. Funny story… Jack Andrews: D-: Maggie AndrewsD-:

– The Andrews House – Again –

Robert Layton: I want you to sell your soul to a faceless corporation so that we can have a bigger house! Kate Layton: I want to spend my life caring for orphans and syphilitic hamsters! Robert Layton: Well then we’ll just have to agree to disagree!

– McGraw & Hurst – Ambulance Chasers Inc –

Robert Layton: Blah blah blah! Boring legal shit! I’m a terrible person!

– The Layton House of Shared Suffering –

Jack Andrews: Hey babe! Here’s your cancer beeper, just in case kid dies that didn’t sleep with the entire cheerleading team! Kate Layton: Wow, it must be great to have a husband that cares that much about you! My husband sucks! Maggie Andrews: You know what else sucks? Cancer.Maggie Andrews: I remember, all those Christmases ago, when I used to put on magic angel shoes, and dance like no one was watching, and sing like no one’s listening, and love like I’d never been hurt! Nathan Andrews: Why, I should get mommy some magic angel Christmas shoes!

– Wilson’s General Store –

Nathan Andrews: Mr Wilson Mr Wilson Mr Wilson! I need some ugly ass magic angel Christmas shoes! Mr. Wilson: Right away! That’ll be… three hundred dollars! The Producer: <whisper>Dude, it’s like 1987. No one even has cell phones yet.</whisper> Mr. Wilson: Right! I meant twenty bucks! Nathan Andrews: Dad dad dad! I need a job! So I can get twenty bucks! Jack Andrews: I told you, no puppy! Nathan Andrews: D-: Jack Andrews: Tell you what, why don’t you collect cans, and return them for money? You only need 400 of them! Nathan AndrewsD-:

– Lake Boringcrap –

Robert Layton: This scene has nothing to do with the plot whatsoever! Whee!

– The Andrews House of Impending Doom –

Jack Andrews: My wife’s impending death is causing me emotional stress! Maggie Andrews: My impending death is causing me to be reflective and saintlike! Thomas: The wife’s impending death is causing me to drink!

– The Layton House of Just Shoot Me –

Robert Layton: Just in case you missed it, I’m emotionally distant, and rarely there for my family! Thomas: Wow, this movie really refuses to end, doesn’t it?

– The Andrews House of Angelic Visitations –

Nathan Andrews: I made you a Christmas card, mommy! It has an angel on it! Maggie Andrews: Speaking of angels… I’m going to be spending a lot of time with them really soon… Nathan Andrews: D-:

– The Layton House of Didn’t See That Coming –

Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: Grandma Layton:! You left all of your Christmas lights on last night! Grandma Layton: Hey, I bet you thought there was only going to be one heart-rending death in this movie! Surprise! Dies. Thomas: Where’s my sangria?

– The Andrews House of Please Die Already –

Maggie Andrews: Woe is me, I’m dying! Jack Andrews: Woe is me, my wife is dying! Nathan Andrews: Woe is me, I don’t have enough money for ugly ass magic angel Christmas shoes! Thomas: Woe is me, I don’t have any hard liquor!

– Wilson’s General Store –

Nathan Andrews: Hi! I’d like to buy these ugly ass magic Christmas shoes for my dying cancerous mother! Mr. Wilson: Eff you in the A, kid! I’m a heartless dick! Robert Layton: Why, this child’s plight has made me reconsider all of the wrongs in my sad, lonely life! Here, I will buy you these ugly ass magic angel Christmas shoes, and I will dedicate my life to spreading joy and love from this day forward! Robert Layton’s CarDies. Some Guy: I’ll give you a ride! You are going to the Cancer Woman Christmas Extravaganza, right! Robert Layton: I sure am! Christmas Shoes by Christian group NewSongStarts playing. ThomasExtends a hearty middle finger.

– The Layton House of Miracles –

Nathan Andrews: Mommy! I bought you these ugly ass magic angel shoes! To wear in heaven! Maggie Andrews: Why, it’s a miracle! I don’t have cancer anymore! Dr. Mather: Actually, that was just Thomas being lazy. You never had cancer. You’re actually dying of congestive heart failure. Still. Everyone:D-: Robert Layton: Kate! I went to the store, and I met this boy, and his mother is dying, and I realize that I’ve been stupid, and I love you, and I love Lily, and I want us to be happy! And not die of cancer! Kate Layton: Why, it’s a Christmas miracle! God: You’re welcome! Nathan Andrews: Wow, that sure was great, God! Do you think you could not kill my mother, too? God: Don’t get greedy, kid.

December 8, 2010

The Art of the Little Black Dress by Kick Ass AJ

Every woman (and drag queen) needs a Little Black Dress. It doesn’t matter if you’re 17 or 87, nothing says “I’m superclassy and have my shizzit together” like a LBD (side note: if you’re still getting dressed up and going out on the town when you’re 87, good for you and I want to be just like you when I get there). The right LBD can be paired with a pair of sexy heels and some drippy earrings for a formal event or dressed down with some cute flats and a cardigan for work or Sunday brunch.

Around the holidays, the LBD Brigade is out in force. The number of parties, galas, soirees, and fests thrown skyrockets this time of year, and you should be armed with a LBD and a bunch of accessories for whatever invitations may come your way. To help you kick ass this Christmahannukwanza I’ve come up with a few tips for dressing your fabulous figure as well as some awesome dresses under $50. If you don’t find one you like on this list, my first inclination would be to send you out trolling the thrift stores in your area. LBDs are so ubiquitous that you’re bound to find a few you like.

Tips for Trimming Your Sexy Figure (and by “trimming” I mean decorating, not slimming. Christmahannukwanza is NO time to start a new diet. Trust me.)

  1. Don’t show too much skin. I’m not trying to be prudish here, but you’ll look best if you choose one or two areas of skin to show. Legs, arms, back or décolletage, but not all four. Please. (another side note: I introduced the word “décolletage” to my boyfriend and now it’s his new favorite thing. Boys are weird.)
  2. Same goes for jewelry. If you have statement jewelry—such as a big, gorgeous necklace or some luxurious, dangly earrings—don’t make them compete with one another (or with the fabulousness that is simply you).
  3. A scoop-neck, A-line dress like this looks good on everyone. The red tights are optional, but definitely fun if you’re looking to add some color to your look.
  4. Choose the right length. Most women look best in dresses that hit right above or below the knee. If you go too short, you’re at risk of pulling a Britney Spears; if you go too long then your legs could end up looking short and stubby.

And now, on to the fashion show:

  1. Tulle the World dress from ModCloth
  2. Alexis One-Shoulder dress from Delia*s (this one comes in blue, too)
  3. Black Eyelet-Bust Halter dress from Torrid
  4. Merona Taffeta Party dress from Target
  5. Veil of Midnight dress from ModCloth (this one is MY favorite)
  6. ¾ Sleeve Ruffled dress from Old Navy
  7. Black White Dot Print Bow-Detail Pick-Up dress from Torrid ( love the skirt on this one)
  8. Merona Square-Neck dress from Target
  9. Mesh with Perfection dress from ModCloth
  10. Mossimo V-Neck dress from Target (love me some Target, can you tell?)

Have fun at all of your parties. Remember, friends don’t let friends get drunk and bring home ugly men.

 

December 8, 2010

Kicking Ass… With Your Face by Kick Ass Lindsey

This holiday season as you find yourself kicking ass doing various things, don’t forget to kick ass sporting a nice face. Even if you’re going grocery shopping you can kick ass in style and make yourself polished without spending a ton of time. All the products that you need you probably already have!

Here’s what you’ll need:

Dark eye shadow shade
Highlight eye shadow shade
Mascara
Eyeliner
Blush
Lip Gloss

Step 1: Highlight your entire eyelid up to the brow bone with a light shimmery highlight shade.

Step 2: Take a darker shade (preferably brown) and put that shade over the lid into the crease.

Step 3: Using eyeliner, line the top of the lid near the lash line. Gel or liquid eyeliner works best, but if you’re not used to using that, a pencil will work too.

Step 4: Lightly line the lower lash line. Do not make this dark and heavy. You are going out during the day, this is not cocktail hour.

Step 5: Apply two coats of mascara. As you apply, wiggle the brush a little to ensure you’re lashes don’t stick together and you apply evenly.

Step 6: Take a little bit of blush, and high light you’re cheek bones. It’s easiest if you suck in your cheeks to make a fish face then lightly spread it on. Do NOT put on a lot of blush. You don’t want to end up looking like a clown.

Step 7: Apply some lip gloss and head out the door!

Remember, just because you’re going grocery shopping or gift shopping or even cleaning your house, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to look good. When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you can kick a lot more ass. And that, my friends is what its all about.

Here are some suggested products that can be purchased at any drugstore without costing an arm and a leg.

L’Oreal Hip Eye shadow duos $6-7 depending where you shop. Multiple color selections.
http://www.walgreens.com/store/store/product/product_details.jsp?skuId=sku6027350&id=prod4158675

Maybelline Gel Eyeliner (Comes with brush, extremely user friendly) $6
http://www.maybelline.com/Product/Eye/EyeLiner/eye-studio-lasting-drama-liquid-gel-liner.htm

Cover Girl Lash Blast Fusion Mascara (AMAZING) $8
http://www.covergirl.com/products/product.jsp?productId=lashblast_fusion_mascara

Maybelline Shine Sensational Lipgloss (Cranberry and Grape are wonderful shades) $6
http://www.maybelline.com/Product/Lip/LipGloss/shine-sensational-lip-gloss.htm

December 8, 2010

Ten Kick Ass Homemade Presents Even You Can Make by Kick Ass Katie

We like to do a homemade Christmas in my family with most of the gifts being- yup, you guessed it- homemade. I’m not sure how this started. Maybe we wanted to save money, or brag about how we are better than you by being more eco-friendly and creative, but never fear my friends – you might be the least crafty person alive, but I guarantee you can do one of these homemade Christmas gifts! Pick your poison and kick some homemade Christmas Ass this year. Bragging rights are endlessly yours!!

10. Some Guy’s Salsa: Or whatever kind of food it is you might be famous for. In these parts, my husband makes his famous salsa and we fill recycled jars that once held tomato sauce or pickles with it and gift it to friends and family.

9. Camera Strap Cover: This one is for your favorite photographer:http://www.everythingetsy.com/2010/06/camera-strap-tutorial-guest-post-priddy-creations-giveaway/. All you need is the most basic of sewing skills and you will be on your way to a kick ass creation.

8. Fake Mustache on a Stick: Know a little boy who likes to play dress up? Have an upcoming costume party? Sad because No Shave November is over and you are wondering how’d you look with a mustache? This little tutorial will save your day:http://www.simplymodernmom.com/2009/09/fake-mustaches-on-a-stick/.

7. Vintage Doily Votives: Take that Yankee Candle present up a notch this year. Head out to your local thrift store for a clear glass jar, snag some doilies at the fabric store, get out that hot glue gun, but don’t burn yourself – it hurts like hell when you do – and make your favorite candle lover a beautiful present:http://www.creaturecomfortsblog.com/home/2009/12/17/diy-vintage-doily-votives-by-christine-chitnis.html.

6. Reusable Produce Bags: Green is the new black, of course, so go green this Christmas! Gift some reusable produce bags and your friends and family will be the envy of the grocery store. Just google “Reusable Produce Bags” and find your favorite tutorial. I used strong netting and made simple drawstring pouches of various sizes with pretty ribbons.

5. Felt Dress Up Dolls: Think paper dolls meet Sunday School flannel board and you’ve got the perfect present for every little girl on your list. There are four on mine, so I considered $6 a worthy investment and purchased this pattern off of etsy:http://www.etsy.com/listing/59714927/matilda-dress-up-doll-pdf-pattern. Grab your scissors, a good movie, and get to cutting! Average cost per niece? Just about $3 or so.

4. Flower Pin: You will want to do a little research on felting, but hit up your local thrift store once again, score yourself some sketchy 100% wool sweaters, throw them in a hot, hot water wash, then in the hot, hot dryer and then cut that sweater up to make this pretty pin! You’ll need a hot glue gun, a pin backing, and some cute beads or buttons, but this is a no sewing required project:http://www.etsy.com/listing/62542166/salefive-flower-cluster-pin-dark-pink. (I like to steal ideas from etsy).

3. Felted Coffee Sleeve: Starbucks makes theirs from recycled materials, but they still get thrown away. Make this for any coffee lover you know and reduce that carbon footprint this winter! Just take that sleeve of the sweater you felted, cut off the cuff, add some cute embellishments if you so desire and voila! Go to etsy.com and do a felted coffee sleeve search for inspiration.

2. Tie Onesie: You can’t go wrong with this adorable tutorial for the baby boys on your Christmas list. You could even put it on a t-shirt for that toddler who is finally out of onesies. No sewing required for this one either, just pull out the iron you hate to use (or is that just me) and you can whip these out in no time: http://www.crapivemade.com/2009/03/appliqued-tie-onesie.html.

1. Cashmere Mittens & Hat: It gets cold here in NY. Luckily cashmere sweaters can usually be found at the Salvation Army and you can take on this simple sewing project to recycle it and gift something super soft and luxurious for mere dollars to that someone special on your Christmas list:http://www.onepearlbutton.com/2008/11/recycled-luxury-sweater-to-long-mittens.html.

December 1, 2010

The 12 Days of Kick Ass

Are the holidays sucking the life out of you/your wallet/your sanity? Fight back- Kick some ass. Nothing feels better than tooting your own horn.
Typically the “12 Days” we all know and love start on Christmas Day. Not so when ass kicking is concerned. The 12 Days officially start on December 14 and end on December 25th.

Here’s how it works: When the holidays get you down, think about how you kicked ass that day. Did you survive Walmart on a Saturday afternoon? Did you successfully navigate the mall parking lot without killing anyone? Did you get all your shopping done by Christmas morning? Well come on- you kicked some serious ass!

Post a comment about how you kicked ass today- it will bring some cheer into your heart, I guarentee it!