“Christmas Shoes”- Distilled by Kick Ass Thomas

The Christmas Shoes is a vomit inducing heart warming tale of a young boy whose mother is dying, a lawyer whois emotionally distant from his family, and the all-powerful deity that will fix the later problem, but not the former. It’s available on Amazon.com (as is the song the movie is based on), though I strongly recommending saving your money for liquor, instead.

– Snowhole Cemetery –

Robert Layton: Hi mom! I have you your annual Christmas wreath! And I brought Jesus with me! Thomas: Whoo boy, this is gonna be a long one.

– Five Years Ago –

Lily Layton: Good morning dad! Can you please please please please please come to my concert tonight? And bring me flowers? Robert Layton: Sure babe! (no.) Kate Layton: Morning honey! Want some breakfast? Robert Layton: No time, sweetie! I’ve got papers to file, rednecks to insult, and a teenage daughter’s dreams to crush! Also: I think you should go back to work so we can afford a bigger house. Tootles!

– The Smallest Intersection in America –

Robert Layton: Excuse me, sir? The most horrible shoes ever seen by god or man fell out of the back of your van! Are you sure you don’t want to stop and collect them? No? All right then, I suppose I’ll keep them in my car until they become important to the plot.

– The Andrews House of Heartstrings –

Nathan Andrews: Throw the ball to me! Throw the ball to me! I’m open! I’m open! Maggie Andrews: Of course you’re open, you’re the only person playing! Super mother throwing the football into the lawyer’s windshield powers activate! Robert Layton: Hey, you wanna watch where you’re throwing that thing? Maggie Andrews: Sorry, cancer! Nathan Andrews: Wait, what?

– The Andrews House – Breakfast at Tiffany’s –

Nathan Andrews: Daddy daddy, can I have a puppy? Jack Andrews: Sorry kid, I’m an asshole. Also, I don’t want to be the only one taking care of it when your mother dies of cancer. Nathan Andrews: Wait, what?

– School of Hard Knocks –

Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: Hey kids, did you know that magic angel shoes can cure cancer? Maggie AndrewsWeep! Nathan Andrews: Seriously, what is with all the cancer?

– McGraw & Hurst – Ambulance Chasers Inc –

Mr. McGraw and/or Hurst: Hi Robert! There’s a big deposition tomorrow, I’m going to need you to bone up on the case law. It should only take… roughly as long as your daughter’s concert!

– The School – It’s Like Glee, Except Not Fun –

Lily Layton: Hi Mrs. Andrews! I don’t feel good, and I think I need to skip the concert tonight! Nathan Andrews: Oh, you just have butterflies, Lily! I get them too! And you know what else I get? Cancer!

– The Concert – It’s Like American Idol, Except No One Cares –

Maggie Andrews: Hi everybody! I’ve got great news! Because your kids are so talented, the mayor has chosen them to sing at the this year’s Christmas Tree Lighting! Some Guy in the Crowd: Um, how many other schools were in the running? Maggie Andrews: None! Lily Layton: Hi! I’m going to sing Fourth of July songs at the Christmas concert!

– The Layton House of Marital Woe –

Robert Layton: Hi mom! I need to talk to you because of work, not because I love you! Grandma Layton: Honey, make memories, not money! It’s not the days in our lives, but the life in our days! Various and sundry other platitudes! Kate Layton: Thanks for coming to your daughter’s concert, dickbag! Lily Layton: Daddy, you should have seen it! Everybody clapped for me when I was on stage! That hunger for attention and love will one day lead me into the adult film industry!

– The Andrews House –

Dr. Mather: Hi Maggie! You have cancer congestive heart failure! Nicholas Sparks: Excuse me, but I believe I have the trademark on heart-rending terminal illness. Nathan AndrewsWHAT?!?

– The Layton House of Repetitive Repetition –

Robert Layton: Hey, did we establish that I work too hard and an too materialistic yet? Kate Layton: I’m concerned that people might not know that I value my family more than wealth or social status! Lily Layton: We should probably remind the audience that I feel lonely and rejected!

– School of Creative Theology –

Maggie Andrews: Blah blah blah, I’m gonna die, but don’t worry, either I’ll miraculously live at the end, and god will get the credit, or I’ll die, but my death will remind Robert Layton that life is short and family is important, and god will get the credit! Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: That’s great! Say, when you’re in the hospital, why don’t you send Nathan to stay with me? Maggie Andrews: Wait, an older, single man wants my prepubescent boy to come and sleep at his house while his parents are in a different state? Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: Yep! Maggie Andrews: Okay!

– This One Time, at Band Practice –

Maggie Andrews: Hey everyone! It’s time for rehearsal my heart attack! Kate Layton: Maggie! What can I do to help? Maggie Andrews: Take over the Christmas concert? Kate Layton: Hey look at the time, got to go!

– The Layton House of Haven’t We Covered This Already –

Robert Layton: Hi Kate! I’m mad that you skipped your interview at Umbrella Corp! Kate Layton: Hey Robert! I’m mad that you’re a soulless bastard with no concern for others! Robert Layton: Well I’m mad that I have a crappy job that doesn’t pay enough to live in a big mansion on top of a big hill! Kate Layton: Well I’m… mad about that too, actually. But still!

– The Andrews House of That’s Not Funny –

Nathan Andrews: Mom? Is your heart still beating? Maggie Andrews: … Nathan Andrews: Mom? Mom! Mom mom mom mom mom! Maggie Andrews: Ha! Kidding. Totally kidding.

– Wilson’s General Store –

Robert Layton: Hi Mr. Wilson! These shoes fell off of your delivery truck! Mr. Wilson: Why thank- holy crap! These things are hideous! Robert Layton: I know, right? Can you believe they’re centering the story around them? Robert Layton’s CarDies. Mr. Wilson: Hey I know just the guy to fix you vehicle! Robert Layton: Great! Mr. Wilson: His wife has cancer!

– Layton Automotive –

Robert Layton: Hi! I’m very particular about my car! Jack Andrews: Hi! My wife’s cancer beeper just went off! Robert Layton: That’s great, but… what about my car?

– The School – The Teachers Sure Are Friendly –

Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: Hey buddy! Well, your parents are off to Boston. Want some candy? It’s in my pocket!

– Still at School –

Kate Layton: So! Mrs. Andrews has cancer! But let’s do this Christmas thing anyway!

– Boston – Where the Doctors Are –

Dr. Julian: Good news! A teenage boy was in a car accident, and you’ve got a new heart! Maggie Andrews: Oh, his poor mother! Dr. Julian: If you’re having second thoughts, we could give the heart to someone else… Maggie Andrews: Let’s not get crazy here.

– The Andrews House of Foreshadowing –

Grandma Layton: Hi Nathan! Did you know my son Robert liked baseball, just like you? And that he liked the red socks, just like you! Why, it’s almost like you two are destined to share some kind of connection!

– Boston – Where the Doctors Are –

Dr. Julian: So… about that heart. Funny story… Jack Andrews: D-: Maggie AndrewsD-:

– The Andrews House – Again –

Robert Layton: I want you to sell your soul to a faceless corporation so that we can have a bigger house! Kate Layton: I want to spend my life caring for orphans and syphilitic hamsters! Robert Layton: Well then we’ll just have to agree to disagree!

– McGraw & Hurst – Ambulance Chasers Inc –

Robert Layton: Blah blah blah! Boring legal shit! I’m a terrible person!

– The Layton House of Shared Suffering –

Jack Andrews: Hey babe! Here’s your cancer beeper, just in case kid dies that didn’t sleep with the entire cheerleading team! Kate Layton: Wow, it must be great to have a husband that cares that much about you! My husband sucks! Maggie Andrews: You know what else sucks? Cancer.Maggie Andrews: I remember, all those Christmases ago, when I used to put on magic angel shoes, and dance like no one was watching, and sing like no one’s listening, and love like I’d never been hurt! Nathan Andrews: Why, I should get mommy some magic angel Christmas shoes!

– Wilson’s General Store –

Nathan Andrews: Mr Wilson Mr Wilson Mr Wilson! I need some ugly ass magic angel Christmas shoes! Mr. Wilson: Right away! That’ll be… three hundred dollars! The Producer: <whisper>Dude, it’s like 1987. No one even has cell phones yet.</whisper> Mr. Wilson: Right! I meant twenty bucks! Nathan Andrews: Dad dad dad! I need a job! So I can get twenty bucks! Jack Andrews: I told you, no puppy! Nathan Andrews: D-: Jack Andrews: Tell you what, why don’t you collect cans, and return them for money? You only need 400 of them! Nathan AndrewsD-:

– Lake Boringcrap –

Robert Layton: This scene has nothing to do with the plot whatsoever! Whee!

– The Andrews House of Impending Doom –

Jack Andrews: My wife’s impending death is causing me emotional stress! Maggie Andrews: My impending death is causing me to be reflective and saintlike! Thomas: The wife’s impending death is causing me to drink!

– The Layton House of Just Shoot Me –

Robert Layton: Just in case you missed it, I’m emotionally distant, and rarely there for my family! Thomas: Wow, this movie really refuses to end, doesn’t it?

– The Andrews House of Angelic Visitations –

Nathan Andrews: I made you a Christmas card, mommy! It has an angel on it! Maggie Andrews: Speaking of angels… I’m going to be spending a lot of time with them really soon… Nathan Andrews: D-:

– The Layton House of Didn’t See That Coming –

Dalton the Friendly School Teacher: Grandma Layton:! You left all of your Christmas lights on last night! Grandma Layton: Hey, I bet you thought there was only going to be one heart-rending death in this movie! Surprise! Dies. Thomas: Where’s my sangria?

– The Andrews House of Please Die Already –

Maggie Andrews: Woe is me, I’m dying! Jack Andrews: Woe is me, my wife is dying! Nathan Andrews: Woe is me, I don’t have enough money for ugly ass magic angel Christmas shoes! Thomas: Woe is me, I don’t have any hard liquor!

– Wilson’s General Store –

Nathan Andrews: Hi! I’d like to buy these ugly ass magic Christmas shoes for my dying cancerous mother! Mr. Wilson: Eff you in the A, kid! I’m a heartless dick! Robert Layton: Why, this child’s plight has made me reconsider all of the wrongs in my sad, lonely life! Here, I will buy you these ugly ass magic angel Christmas shoes, and I will dedicate my life to spreading joy and love from this day forward! Robert Layton’s CarDies. Some Guy: I’ll give you a ride! You are going to the Cancer Woman Christmas Extravaganza, right! Robert Layton: I sure am! Christmas Shoes by Christian group NewSongStarts playing. ThomasExtends a hearty middle finger.

– The Layton House of Miracles –

Nathan Andrews: Mommy! I bought you these ugly ass magic angel shoes! To wear in heaven! Maggie Andrews: Why, it’s a miracle! I don’t have cancer anymore! Dr. Mather: Actually, that was just Thomas being lazy. You never had cancer. You’re actually dying of congestive heart failure. Still. Everyone:D-: Robert Layton: Kate! I went to the store, and I met this boy, and his mother is dying, and I realize that I’ve been stupid, and I love you, and I love Lily, and I want us to be happy! And not die of cancer! Kate Layton: Why, it’s a Christmas miracle! God: You’re welcome! Nathan Andrews: Wow, that sure was great, God! Do you think you could not kill my mother, too? God: Don’t get greedy, kid.


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